


To be Commander is to be alone

by K17L53



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Pre-Canon, but things aren't really good, costia is a nightblood, costia's alive, lostia before costia got killed, nightblood costia, one of the novitiates from lexa's conclave, set a week-ish after lexa becomes commadner, so it's angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 22:18:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11194578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K17L53/pseuds/K17L53
Summary: Pre-canon AU where Costia was a Nightblood and the last novitiate of Lexa's conclave but managed to run away the night before the conclave. But she is brought back to Polis about a week later and...it's not pretty. It's never pretty with runaway Nightbloods.





	To be Commander is to be alone

**Author's Note:**

> ever since that scene in 307 where clarke's looking at lexa's back tattoo and asks her about it, i haven't stopped thinking about what it'd be like if that last member was costia. and since i haven't watched since then, this might as well be canon to me. anyways, i was getting lostia feels for no reason and got to writing. so....costia's brought back and it's "protocol" for them to be made an example of for anyone else who wants to run run away and eventually killed. but well....lexa can't let that happen. 
> 
> anyways, it's lostia angst, that's about it.

> “I’m not going to kill you,” Lexa told her, “You know that, I would never do anything to hurt you.” She added gently, sitting down next to Costia on her bed.
> 
>  
> 
> Costia only shook her head, ignoring what Lexa just said, “That’s not up to you.” She let out a sigh, “And I _know_ it’s going to come down to you in the end.”
> 
>  
> 
> “You don’t know that.” Lexa shook her head; all of the other eight novitiates in their conclave were very capable warriors and the Flame was her’s just as they were anyone else’s.
> 
>  
> 
> Costia rolled her eyes, turning around to face Lexa, “You know it as much as anyone else,” She told her quietly, “The Flame is your’s.” It was common knowledge between all the novitiates and the Flamekeepers by now, that Lexa was the most capable warrior and most likely to ascend. Not only in combat but she was strong, wise beyond her years, and had her people’s best interest at heart. She was a visionary and although the other Nightbloods were all very talented and well-trained, Lexa had the best chances of ascending to Commander.
> 
>  
> 
> “Nothing matters if it means losing you.” Lexa responded quietly, taking Costia’s hands in her’s. “I don’t want the Flame.” She felt her lips quiver, tears welling in her eyes as she tried to push them down, thankful the room was too dimly lit for Costia to notice. “ _Ai gaf in yu_.” **[I want you]**
> 
>  
> 
> She gave her a sad small smile, Costia knew that wasn’t possible, for either of them. The conclave was in the morning and no matter who it came down to in the end – whether or not Lexa ascended – they both knew they could never have what they wanted. Either they would both be killed, or just one of them; but neither of them would get to fall in love and live their lives the way they wanted to. And even by some miracle they both survived, the Commander couldn’t fall in love, it was weakness, _to be commander is to be alone_ , it had been drilled into their minds since they were children. Costia didn’t answer, she only leaned her head forward to Lexa’s resting their foreheads together.
> 
>  
> 
> “ _Ai hod y_ -” **[I love y-]**
> 
>  
> 
> Costia interrupted. “ _Leksa hod op_.” **[Lexa stop]** She stopped her, letting out a sigh; this would only make things harder. “ _Beja_.” **[Please]**
> 
>  
> 
> “ _Chit dula op yu gaf in ai gon dula op?_ ” **[What do you want me to do?]** Lexa asked instead, her voice cracking before falling silent for a moment. “ _Teik’s jos bants_.” **[Let’s just leave]** She offered desperately after a second, bringing her head up. “You and me, we can make it.” Costia only scoffed, if only that was possible. “We’ll leave Polis, hide out in the woods for a while then find somewhere safe.”
> 
>  
> 
> Costia sighed, that was exactly what she was planning on doing. She was planning on sneaking out of Polis before the sun came up in hopes of getting far enough without the guards knowing. Costia knew what happened to runaways, they’d seen it happen multiple times since they were little children; it didn’t matter how young or old they were, they were all punished and made an example of. But Lexa didn’t know, she couldn’t, there was no point in them both getting potentially caught and punished for treason. And their people needed someone strong to lead them and maybe even bring them together; if _anyone_ was going to be able to do that, it was going to be Lexa. “You know what happens to runaways _ai hodnes_.” **[my love]**
> 
>  
> 
> “ _Ai dula op nou gaf in gon kik raun belike disha_.” **[I don’t want to live like this]** Lexa clenched her jaws, not wanting to think about what it would be like without Costia in her life. “ _Thau yu._ ” **[Without you]** She added. “What if it comes down to the two of us? Then what?” Lexa asked rhetorically.
> 
>  
> 
> Costia let out a sigh, “Then we will do what we have to do.”
> 
>  
> 
> Lexa remained silent, thinking about what she just said for a moment. “It should be you.” She finally spoke. “If it comes down to the two of us, it should be you who ascends.” She looked away, Lexa didn’t want Costia to have to do that though, she didn’t want her to have to live with the weight of having to kill her lover on her shoulder.
> 
>  
> 
> “I’m not going to kill you.” Costia brought her hand up to Lexa’s chin, tilting her head up. “I can’t do that.”
> 
>  
> 
> “You won’t have to.” Lexa shrugged. “If the time comes…I will do it for you.”

 

 

That was the last thing had Lexa said to her, because waking up the next morning, Costia’s bed was empty and her things were gone. She didn’t get the chance to think about it though, not until later that night when Lexa first came into her _bedroom_ , bloody and bruised and exhausted. Costia was gone, she left and all Lexa could hope for was the fact that she had gotten away far enough, far enough that the guards – _her_ guards – wouldn’t find her. Lexa knew what happened when they were found, she has seen the young Nightbloods who wanted to run away but were found and brought back to Polis. She didn’t know what she wanted to do, a part of her wanted to scream at everything that had happened today; how she had to kill her brother and sisters, how they had tried to kill her, how Costia was gone and maybe even dead too. But Lexa couldn’t, she was too tired to do any other than just collapse onto the foreign bed and drift off to sleep in a matter of minutes.

 

* * *

 

It had been around ten days since Lexa had ascended to take the Flame and Costia left. There was too much going on now with her and the other clans, and today Lexa was away from Polis at a meeting with the leader of one of the clans. She didn’t know if she wanted to return to Polis, not soon anyways, it was hard being there without her. But the moment she dismounted her horse in front of the tower, one of the guards approached her, giving her news of the runaway Nightblood. “What about her?” Lexa asked, doing her best to not show any emotion.

 

“We found her.” He answered. “A few hours after you left.”

 

“ _What?!_ ” She asked, her voice a little louder but still low and authoritative. “Where is she?”

 

“Holding cells…” The guard answered a little cautiously, “Where all the prisoners are taken…”

 

“She’s not a prisoner,” Lexa said in a low growl, “Bring her to my chambers.” She ordered before starting walk away.

 

“But _Heda-_ ”

 

“ _NOW!_ ” She practically yelled this time, marching off to the tower.

 

.

 

Lexa was standing at the far end of the room when the door opened a few minutes later and she heard a loud thud of someone being thrown on the floor. She turned on her heel immediately, seeing the guards practically throw Costia into the room as Lexa rushed over to her. “GET OUT!” She yelled to the guards, ordering them to leave straight away as she started to help Costia to her feet. “No one comes in,” Lexa said just as the door was about to close, “Not even Titus.” _Especially Titus_.

 

“Le-” Costia tried to speak, Lexa stopping her as she brought a hand up to her cheek.

 

“ _Dula op nou chich,_ ” **[Don’t speak,]** Lexa kneeled down on the floor by her, pulling Costia to rest on her lap. “Everything is going to be okay, I got you.” She lowered her head closer to Costia, kissing her forehead gently, neither of them moving right away. Runaway Nightbloods were brought back only to be tortured and later killed, they both knew that; and from what Lexa could see, Costia was badly hurt – bloody and bruised and unable to even stand up. But she knew no one in Polis could be executed without the Commander’s permission and nine times out of ten, Nightbloods _were_ executed after being… _taught a lesson_ , especially if they were slightly older. And leaving right before the conclave…that would never end well, it would actually be a lot worse. “ _Kom op ai hodnes,_ ” **[come my love]** Lexa brought her up to her feet, practically needing to carry her to the bed before sitting her down.

 

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Costia managed to get out finally, sitting up this time. “I can’t be here.”

 

“Yes, you can.” Lexa nodded, her arms going around Costia’s shoulders and bringing her close. “You’re going to be fine, I will make sure of it.”

 

She kept herself together for a moment, not long, before breaking down; Costia closed her eyes and pressed herself as close to Lexa as possible before letting the tears spill out. Sobs broke out of as Lexa tightened her arms around her, holding her as close as possible; she wanted nothing more right now than to take her pain away and keep her safe. Costia was practically trembling and from the little Lexa could see, she was hurt and bleeding and a part of Lexa wanted to find whoever was responsible and make Polis’ next execution theirs. But she couldn’t; love was weakness and that’s how everyone saw it – no one could see the Commander like that, especially now because she had only been Heda for ten days.

 

“Lie down Cos.” Lexa moved her gently, lying her down on the bed. “I’m going to get a healer.” She was about to get up when Costia grabbed her wrist, stopping her.

 

She shook her head, “I’m fine.” Costia told her again. “Really, just stay here.” She closed her eyes for a second, “I don’t know how much longer I have, I just want to spend it with you.”

 

“You have all the time in the world.” Lexa told her, her chest aching at Costia’s voice. “Nothing is going to happen to you.”

 

“You know what you have to do.”

 

“I’m the Commander,” Lexa shook her head. “I don’t _have_ to do anything.” Costia was about to speak again but Lexa stopped her, “You don’t have to worry about anything now,” She stood up for a moment, shrugging off her coat and letting it fall to the floor before returning to the bed, “If you won’t let me get a healer, at least let me see. You’re hurt.”

 

Costia finally relaxed, not really wanting to but there was something calming about Lexa’s presence. “You were never good at that.”

 

Lexa nodded, gently reaching up with shaky hands to pull up Costia’s shirt. She was dreading seeing what was underneath the thin material, there was already blood soaking through it in some spots. “If you don’t want to see a healer, I’m the best you have right now.” She told her lightly, trying to force out a smile. “You’re going to be fine Cos, I promise.” Lexa added slowly, finally pulling up the shirt, revealing the bruises, cuts, and burns that covered Costia’s torso. “Who ever hurt you will pay for what they did.” Lexa scanned her eyes over her body, clenching her jaws as she thought of how much Costia must be hurting right now.

 

“No,” She replied instantly, shaking her head, sounding afraid. “Lexa, you can’t do anything like that.” Costia told her. “Love is weakness and the Commander cannot be weak.” She reminded Lexa. “You’ve been Heda for not even two weeks, you have to show your people how strong you are.” Costia closed her eyes, trying to relax into the pillow. “Let it go. Please.”

 

Lexa didn’t want to let it go, but she knew Costia was right about this. She wanted to show Costia that no one could get away with doing something like this to her _hodnes_. Nevertheless she nodded, stepping away for a moment and walking up to the door before opening it. She asked the guard standing outside to get one of the handmaidens to bring some supplies from the healers so she could tend to Costia. “No one is going to hurt you.” Lexa told her as she walked back. “I will keep you safe Cos, nothing will happen to you.”

**Author's Note:**

> lostia feels hit me hard every now and then, so this is what i got this time. anyways, thanks for reading and let me know what you thought.


End file.
